President Rejects Plea for Moderation

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

With polls showing increasing voter dissatisfaction with President Obama’s agenda, some Democratic members of Congress have been urging him to move toward the ideological center. The President has rejected this strategy as “unworthy and out-of-step with our Party’s aim to transform America.”

One of the most visible of the imperiled Democrats, Senator Blanche Lincoln (Ark), begged the President to “ease off the massive deficits that are sowing uncertainty and deterring businesses from expanding and hiring. If government is going to have to borrow trillions to cover these deficits, what will be left for businesses? According to the President, it appears to be higher taxes. Democrats can’t win with this kind of program.”

Instead of shifting course, though, the President urged fellow Democrats to “seize the power we already have to remake the nation into a place where social conscience rules over individualistic selfishness. Rather than just do what voters say they want, we have the opportunity to give them what we know they really need.”

Obama argued that fears among Democrats that they may lose their seats in the House and Senate are “overblown.” “Look, we can’t let ourselves get spooked by polls,” Obama said. “And even if we lose our majority, all is not lost. I can veto any Republican bills that try to undermine the reforms we enact before the election. Or better still, Congress can pass special enabling legislation that grants me the power to take action without having to get specific congressional authorization for each new law.”

To further bolster their courage, the President promised to appoint any loyal Democrat who loses his election next November to a job in the Executive branch. “Another federal teat will be offered to any Democrat who loses his seat,” Obama said, using a Negro dialect when he wanted to.

President Blames Aides for Mispronunciation

President Barack Obama’s flub of the pronunciation of the word “corpsman” in a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast sparked titters among listeners. Corpsman is the term used for Navy and Marine personnel who perform battlefield medical aid to the wounded. It is pronounced “core-man.” In his speech, Obama twice used the term “corpse man.”

“If you sound out the letters it looks like ‘corpse man’ is the correct pronunciation,” Obama observed. “How was I to know that the ‘p’ and ‘s’ were supposed to be silent?” The President said that “inasmuch as the word was to be part of a spoken rather than written communication, whoever put the script on the teleprompter should’ve used a phonetic spelling.”

The President brushed aside the contention that the nation’s Commander-in-Chief ought to be familiar with the pronunciation of this military term. “I’ve never been in the Navy or Marines,” Obama reminded. “So, I’ve never followed or paid much attention to army jargon. How would I be expected to know such things?”

Leftist Economist Says Bankruptcy Fears “Overwrought”

New York Times columnist and left-wing economist, Paul Krugman called fears that the multi-trillion dollar deficits being racked up by the Obama Administration would bankrupt the country “overwrought.”

“An individual, a business, or even a state or local government can go bankrupt, but not the federal government,” Krugman wrote in a recent editorial. “The federal government has weapons for avoiding bankruptcy. First, it has the power to tax and/or seize whatever money it needs to pay its obligations. No private individual or firm has the right or power to withhold resources that the government needs to preserve itself.”

“Second, were Congress to balk at approving the necessary tax increases, the Federal Reserve Bank has an unlimited authority to create new money with which the federal government can pay its bills,” Krugman continued. “While individuals or business firms might be blocked from spending when their bank accounts are registering ‘empty,’ the federal government’s account can always be refilled by the ‘stroke of a pen.’”

“Finally, if push comes to shove, the government could always repudiate its debt,” Krugman added. “This option has been used before by governments far less powerful than ours. Should the President decide that it would be in the government’s best interest to get out from under these financial burdens, who would have the strength to challenge his decision? No one inside or outside the country could force our government to pay.”

“So, the average citizen can stop worrying,” Krugman concluded. “His government is safe and will survive any attempt by right-wing critics to block its progress by raising the specter of bankruptcy.”

Prince Charles Pitches Green Lifestyle

The United Kingdom’s Prince Charles lashed out at his critics in an impassioned defense of his environmental views. “I have been the victim of unbelievable abuse for my efforts to promote a better environment,” he said.

According to the Prince, “too many people are living too lavishly for the good of the planet. They consume too much in every phase of their lives—too much housing, too much food, too much travel, too much entertainment, you name it.”

Charles asserted that “technology is destroying man’s contact with nature. Rather than living simply, the average man now expects science to intervene to save him from the nasty, brutish, and short existence that is more in tune with what is natural. This may seem good in the short run to the short-sighted person, but it is bad for the planet.”

The Prince vowed to take his crusade “to every corner of the world” and “spare no expense in a cause too vital to be turned aside by the squawking of the ignorant masses.” In line with this vow, the Prince’s aides are negotiating with agents of former US Vice-President Al Gore for a joint, five-continent tour “to urge the common people to lead more frugal lives for the sake of the environment.”

Senator Defends “Bribe” and Mocks “Feeble” Peers

In response to the characterization of her decision to support the President’s healthcare legislation as “the Louisiana Purchase,” Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) defended her state’s special treatment (Louisiana is awarded an extra $300 million) under the bill.

“Is it my fault that others sold their votes so cheaply?” the Senator asked. And she called complaints by her peers “sour grapes.” “They all had the same opportunity to try to get the most they could in return for their votes. Any of them who claims he was voting on principle is a liar or a fool. That’s not the way we do business here in Washington. Any member of Congress who settles for less than he has to is a pretty feeble agent for the people of his state or district.”

Landrieu reserved her harshest criticism for Senator Ben Nelson (D-Neb) whose “attempts to weasel out of his deal are besmirching all our reputations. I mean, who could possibly believe his so-called ‘bargaining chip’ claim? It’s like he’s trying to imply that those of us who have the ‘balls’ to stick to our hard-won gains are crooks when the truth is that Ben is a wimp.”

President and AG Disagree on Miranda Rights for Jihadis

President Barack Obama and his Attorney General Eric Holder issued conflicting statements on how captured Islamic terrorists should be treated.

Holder insisted that those like the Christmas day bomber will be handled under existing criminal statutes. This includes advising them of their right to remain silent. “We cannot sacrifice the rights of the accused to the notion that the safety of innocent victims takes precedence,” Holder said. “Saving lives may seem important to some, but preserving our system of jurisprudence has got to be a higher priority.”

On the other hand, President Obama asserted that “the idea that we can treat these people like common criminals is unwarranted. They are warriors who are merely conforming to their religious beliefs. Granted, the belief that one may kill unbelievers seems extreme to many Americans. Nevertheless, we must not allow ourselves to be narrow-minded about this. We must work toward a better understanding of our differences. Tolerance is the high road. It’s the road I am seeking to take in atonement for our country’s past transgressions.”

Murtha Health Crisis

Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) was hospitalized in the intensive care ward of the Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington last week. Murtha spokesman, Matthew Mazonkey, explained that “the Congressman’s long period of public service has depleted his body’s reserves of gall. Feeding at the public trough is not without its price. There’s constant criticism from naive ‘good government’ types who demand unreasonable standards of openness and equity. This has helped wear the Congressman down.”

Mazonkey stressed that “Congressman Murtha’s ‘earmarks for donations’ program will still be in effect while he’s hospitalized. Those wanting his favors should continue to follow the normal process.”

John Semmens’ Archives

Must Read: Dennis Prager’s Address to Republicans

Truer words are seldom spoken than Dennis Prager’s recent speech to congressional Republicans. They came on the heels of President Obama’s visit to Republicans. Spread this around, especially to the younger generation. It’s very important that they read it:

“Every change for good must be constantly renewed, but changes for the worse are often permanent. Goodness must be fought for every day, over and over. That is why every American generation has to be inculcated with American values.” Read more

Hayworth Rallies Support in Senate Race against McCain

The campaign battle for Arizona’s senior U.S. Senate seat is heating up fast. And incumbent Sen. John McCain just suffered another embarrassment within his own party.

At a state meeting recently for precinct committeemen, challenger and former Congressman J.D. Hayworth polled 68 percent of the votes. McCain limped in with a mere 10 percent.

On another blog, McCain supporters complained that the straw poll was worthless because the voters had to pay $5 in order to cast a vote.

They’ve got it backwards. It’s when the voters are paid in exchange for their vote that you can question it. That’s what Mitt Romney did for a straw poll in Iowa in the last presidential campaign.

A poll showed McCain leading Hayworth 45-43 percent. What’s interesting is that at the time of the poll, Hayworth had not officially become a candidate. Now he is, and you can look for him to start taking the lead on McCain in future polls. It’ll make McCain just that much more cantankerous.

Where do You Get Your News? Fox News Most Trusted

A Public Policy Polling nationwide survey of 1,151 registered voters Jan. 18-19 found that 49 percent of Americans trusted Fox News, 10 percentage points more than any other network

CNN was the second-most-trusted network, getting the trust of 39 percent of those polled. Forty-one percent said they didn’t trust CNN.

Each of the three major networks was trusted by less than 40 percent of those surveyed, with NBC ranking highest at 35 percent. Forty-four percent said they did not trust NBC, which was combined with its sister cable station MSNBC.

Thirty-two percent of respondents said they trusted CBS, while 31 percent trusted ABC. Both CBS and ABC were not trusted by 46 percent of those polled.

Taxpayers Footing Bill for Yet Another New Cubs’ Stadium in Mesa

City fathers still haven’t learned how the game of spring training baseball is played, and the taxpayers have been had again.

For the second time in 14 years, the Chicago Cubs have played the threat of a move of their spring training headquarters to Florida against the city and its taxpayers.

Back in 1996, the city caved and the taxpayers spent millions to build the Cubs a beautiful new stadium just north of downtown Mesa.

Just 13 years later, the Cubs are already dissatisfied with that facility, and they threatened to move to Florida again.

To keep the Cubbies in Mesa, the city fathers promised yet another new stadium – this one costing a whopping $84 million! The money will come from taxpayers and private contributers.

In a back-patting session this week at the state capitol in Phoenix, team owners Tom and Laura Ricketts, and Cubs’ president Crane Kenney, made the announcement with Gov. Jan Brewer and Mesa city officials acting as cheerleaders. Mesa plans to build a new spring training complex despite a competing bid from Florida.

That’s the real game behind the game: teams in Arizona manipulate their host cities into spending millions of taxpayer dollars by threatening to move to Florida.

And guess what? Major league teams in Florida are doing the same thing there! They’re threatening their host cities by dangling the Arizona carrot.

If the cities in both states would let these ball clubs move away, they’d still end up with major league teams training in the present stadiums. That’s what they ought to do: make the clubs put their money where their mouth is and walk. As the Cubs head for Florida, they can wave to the teams heading for Arizona.

There couldn’t be a worse time, amidst this horrible recession, to soak the taxpayers for millions for a stadium that will be used for part of the month of March each year!

In 1996, Mesa demolished the old HoHoKam Stadium and built a new stadium, seating 12,500, by the same name and in time for spring training in 1997.

My, what a short shelf live these stadiums have. To be fair to the taxpayers, the new $84 million stadium ought to be used until 2075.

Proposed Pro-Life Super Bowl Ad Stirs Controversy

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The plan to place a pro-life ad amongst the parade of beer commercials that traditionally have dominated the advertising sponsors of the televised Super Bowl has stirred supporters of abortion to oppose its broadcast. In the ad, Heisman Trophy-winning college quarterback, Tim Tebow tells the story of how his mother chose to give him life after doctors advised her to abort him. 

Feminist lawyer Gloria Allred has urged Les Moonves, President and Chief Executive Officer of CBS, to block the because it is “misleading.” “The implication that any fetus saved from being aborted will grow up to be a valuable person is about as far from the truth as you can get,” Allred asserted. “The vast majority of abortions prevent unwanted births that would otherwise ruin the lives of everyone involved. The vast majority of women contemplating an abortion should not be allowed to be dissuaded by such blatantly biased propaganda.”

Allred’s take was buttressed by Joy Behar on the ABC TV show, The View. Behar belittled Tebow’s pitch for life, characterizing his story as “improbable.” “Any woman who foregoes an abortion on the chance that her child would live a worthwhile life is bucking the odds,” Behar contended. “It’s more likely the child would grow up a racist or pedophile. We shouldn’t be promoting advertisements that distort this reality.”

Jehmu Greene, President of Women’s Media Center, called the proposed ad “a thinly veiled attempt to subjugate women to a patriarchal agenda. They’re saying that being a mother is a better choice than having an abortion. Well, being a mother exposes a woman to a lifetime of obligations that an abortion would avert. Pressuring women to accept these obligations with a high-profile ad is a manifestation of the kind of male-dominated culture our organization has been fighting. The fact that the ad is slated for a football game—a male-centered form of entertainment—reveals, I think, their true objective.”

A statement from the National Organization for Women (NOW) reminded that “we shouldn’t allow women to be influenced by this one exceptional case. There’s a greater chance that a woman could end up the mother of a severely handicapped child, like former Republican vice-presidential candidate and Alaska governor, Sarah Palin did. The proposed ad conceals this truth. It is unfit for TV.”

Homeland Security Announces Major Arrest

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nappertaliano announced that “our efforts against terror have taken a significant step forward with the arrest of James O’Keefe and his accomplices in Louisiana this past week.”

O’Keefe is the journalist who gained notoriety last September for exposing corruption in the offices of Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN). He and three associates were arrested in the Louisiana office of Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La) and accused of attempting to “bug” the Senator’s phone lines.

“Based on his past activities, it is clear that Mr. O’Keefe represents a real threat to the government of the United States,” Nappertaliano said. “His defamation of ACORN, an organization of crucial importance to the success of President Obama’s agenda and continuation in office, helped put him on our Department’s radar screen. Now that we actually have him in custody, I think we can all rest a lot easier.”

The Secretary gave a public demonstration of the reassuring comfort the arrest has provided as she was observed dozing in her seat at President Obama’s “State of the Union” speech on Wednesday.

Senator Calls for Censure of Supreme Court Justice

Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wis.) called for a sharp rebuke of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s behavior at the “State of the Union” address given by President Barack Obama. During the President’s remarks characterizing a recent Supreme Court decision as a threat to democracy, Justice Alito was observed to be shaking his head and silently mouthing the words “not true.”

“President Obama is the one who was elected by the people to rule this country,” Feingold said. “Obstructing the governance of this country through bad judicial decisions or by letting himself be seen publicly disagreeing with the president is the type of thing my legislation was devised to control.”

Feingold admitted that “we don’t have the votes to impeach Alito. That takes a two-thirds vote of the Senate and Republicans are sure to block that.” But held that “a censure vote only requires a majority.” The Senator said he hoped that “the public condemnation of a censure would give average people the moral support they need in order to carry out the President’s call for them to ‘get in the faces of those who oppose my agenda for change and let them know they won’t get away with it.’”

Senator Feingold’s feelings on this issue run strong. It was the McCain-Feingold Bill’s ban on independent advocacy expenditures that the Supreme Court decision invalidated. “Because of Alito and others on the Court, anyone can say anything about any public official whenever they want,” Feingold complained. “Candidates now will have no protection from unauthorized criticisms in the key weeks running up to election day. We’ve lost control of the election process. It’s a sad day for America.”

In related news, fresh from a private briefing with President Obama, international investor and major lobbyist/financier for liberal political causes, George Soros, announced that he would head up efforts “to bury the opponents of President Obama with a blizzard of campaign dollars, just like we did in the 2008 election. Let’s see if the Court’s ruling will enable the so-called ‘independent’ enemies of the President can match us.”

New York Times Chides Sarkozy

The editors of the New York Times newspaper chastised French President Nicolas Sarkozy for sponsoring legislation that would outlaw facial coverings in public. Sarkozy’s ban has been applauded by some French Muslim women, but has been criticized by Muslim leaders, who say it could provoke Muslim men to violence.

The Times editors derided Sarkozy’s measure as “intolerant and insensitive.” “Covering the female body is an essential tenet of devout Islamic belief,” the editors wrote. “Prohibiting it tramples on the freedom to practice one’s religion as one sees fit. It is just as wrong as banning female circumcision or arresting Muslim men for disciplining their wives. We cannot rightfully impose Western values on the rest of the world. We must respect the right of others to live as they please.”

The editors explicitly rejected arguments based on “the imagined oppression of women said to be taking place under Islamic law. From what we hear, most of the women who wear burqas express gratitude to their husbands for enforcing the Islamic laws that ensure women’s purity.”

Neither should we accept that public safety warrants the ban, say the editors. “We acknowledge that the burqa may be used to conceal weapons or explosives that are then smuggle into public places for intended violent actions,” the editors conceded. “But just as covering women is sacred to Islam, so, too, is making war on infidels. Tolerating these beliefs is a price we must be willing to pay to preserve our belief in freedom of religion.”

Jesse Jackson Offers Plan to Revive Economy

Saying that President Obama hasn’t been audacious enough, a dark-skinned former presidential aspirant with a distinctively Negro dialect, Jesse Jackson, proffered what he called “a simple plan for a free man.”

Jackson’s simple plan urged the President to “forget about the deficit. It’s just a number. The real solution is for people to have enough money to buy what they need. The government is uniquely empowered to supply this money.”

The gist of Jackson’s proposal is for the government to create money and give it out to those who are unemployed. “If a man has money in his pocket being unemployed won’t hurt,” Jackson argued. “He could buy food, pay the rent, and have something left over for fun.”

A byproduct of his plan, according to Jackson, is that it would help reduce health care costs. “Working is a source of stress,” Jackson observed. “Traveling to work also exposes a person to risk of a crash. If people could be assured of an income without having to work these causes of medical expenses would be eliminated.”

“If everyone currently unemployed were given the median income—about $40,000/year—the cost of my plan would only be $600 billion a year,” Jackson estimated. “This is less than we’re spending on the various stimulus packages right now. So, it’s definitely doable.”

Jackson said “if my plan goes well it could eventually be expanded to cover everyone in America. Then everyone would be ensured of a decent standard of living AND have a lot more free time to spend with family and friends once the need to go to a daily job is eliminated. I think this is the change President Obama intended and one that everyone who voted for him believed in.”

John Semmens’ Archives

President Hits Campaign Trail in Ohio

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

After declaring that “being President can drive you crazy,” Barack Obama is determined to return to what he says he does best—campaign for office. His first stop was in Ohio.

In a speech to cheering supporters, Obama alternately blamed former President George Bush and Congress for the failure of his proposed government overhaul of the health industry. “Mr. Bush made the country sick, but Drs. Pelosi and Reid couldn’t get their act together behind my cure,” Obama complained. Despite these difficulties, he pledged to “stay the course for hope and change.”

One idea said to be under consideration is for the President to enact healthcare reform by Executive Order. The need for Congressional approval of funding would be bypassed by using as yet unspent “stimulus” money. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” Obama declared. “If Congress lacks the will to act on this crucial matter, as Commander-in-Chief, I shall direct my Secretary of Health and Human Services to move forward using the stimulus funds, which, I am told by my legal advisors, can be spent on anything we want.”

The President also urged voters not to forget the significant progress already made on the economy. “The transformation of our economy from one that is under the thumb of private greed to one that is under the guidance of social conscience is well underway,” Obama boasted. “We are making government the senior partner in deciding how resources are allocated in the financial and automotive industries. Pursuit of profit will have to take a backseat to serving the human needs outlined by my Administration.”

The impact of the Obama Administration’s efforts to institute more social control over the economy in Ohio are not promising. Ohio’s unemployment rate is nearly 11% and almost 14% have incomes below the federal poverty level.

In related news, for the first time since the index of economic freedom was devised, the US has dropped from the top tier (free) to the second tier (mostly free). Dragging down the US score were poor results in government spending, fiscal freedom, and corruption. Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denigrated the significance of the results saying “economic freedom isn’t something we monitor. It’s not on the President’s ‘to do’ list.”

Supreme Court Decision on Free Speech Denounced

The US Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling that the government may not restrict what or when individuals and organizations may spend to voice their opinions was roundly denounced by leading Democrats. The decision came in a case in which the producers of a film critical of Hillary Clinton had been barred from showing the film during the period before the 2008 election.

President Obama charged that “the Court’s decision is an invitation to unconstrained criticism of candidates for public office. The measured give-and-take of candidates debating each other over how to govern will now be polluted by heckling from outsiders who have no direct role in our government.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) rued that “it will be open season on those of us trying to run this country. Candidates can rebut opposing candidates, but how do you hit back at a private citizen who isn’t even running for office?”

Schumer dismissed contentions that existing libel and slander laws should be sufficient to deter unwarranted attacks on candidates. “Libel and slander laws only penalize the making of false statements that damage another person,” Schumer said. “True statements can be even more damaging if their disclosure is inopportunely timed—as would’ve been the case with the Hillary Clinton film that was the basis of this case. Those of us who have put ourselves on the line as public servants need more protection than these laws can provide.”

President Asks Media to Leave Meeting with Mayors

Members of the media that were videotaping the President’s meeting with a group of mayors at the White House were asked to leave after President Barack Obama had completed his prepared remarks.

“Giving scripted remarks is one thing,” the President said. “The give-and-take of the Q & A portion of the meeting is entirely different. People may say things that they’d prefer not be transmitted to the general public.”

The President contended that “we can’t really expect honesty from these mayors if they have to worry that their words may reach an unintended audience. And while we are confident that reporters who write about the meeting can be trusted to be discreet, it is harder to control the slant in an actual video of the event.”

Nude Pose May Yet Block Brown from Taking Senate Seat

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is reportedly “very uncomfortable” with the idea of newly elected Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass) “sitting amongst us in the Senate.” The reason: in 1982, Brown posed nude for Cosmo magazine.

“The people expect that Senators will exhibit only the highest levels of decorum and integrity,” Reid said. “I’m not sure that Scott Brown lives up to this expectation.”

Reid pointed out that “each chamber of Congress is responsible for deciding whether a person shall be accepted into the body. So, we could vote not to seat Brown if we feel that doing so would diminish the respect voters have for all of us.”

The Majority leader brushed aside criticisms that Congress has accepted tax cheats among its ranks and as appointees to the Executive Branch. “Everybody cheats on their taxes,” Reid argued. “Why should we single out those who get caught and exclude them from government?”

Reid also rejected the late Senator Ted Kennedy’s questionable behavior in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne being used as a standard of reference for how low the body might stoop regarding the quality of its membership, calling such comparisons “unfair and unkind considering the illustrious legislative record Senator Kennedy compiled in the years following that unfortunate tragedy.”

In related news, MSNBC pundit Keith Olbermann urged that the special election vote for Brown be overturned due to its implicitly racist overtones. “Here we have America’s first African-American President politely asking Massachusetts voters to send Martha Coakley to the Senate to help him pass healthcare,” Olbermann said. “But exit polls showed that the majority of Massachusetts’ white voters dissed the President’s request. We can’t let white voters in one state impede the policies of a black man elected by a majority of the voters in America.”

Chavez Says Haiti Earthquake a Result of US Attack

Venezuelan leader and noted loony, Hugo Chavez is claiming that the earthquake that devastated Haiti was caused by a United States attack using a new secret weapon called a “cavitron.” Chavez said he learned of this weapon when his intelligence service secured a copy of a secret report revealing its existence.

“This attack on innocent people is further evidence of the diabolical motives of the United States,” Chavez maintained. “There are even reports that American Red Cross workers now in Haiti are armed with hand-held cavitrons with which to further subdue the survivors.” Chavez called for “the progressive forces of the world to unite against this great Satan before its evil plan for world domination can be implemented.”

The “report” the Venezuelan Secret Service purloined for Chavez is actually a novel called State of Fear by Michael Crichton. In the novel, eco-terrorists use a “cavitron” to cause an underwater earthquake and tidal wave. In real life, a cavitron is a device used by dentists to clean teeth.

Iraq’s ‘Chemical Ali’ Sentence to Death for Forth Time

Ali Hassan al-Majid, the infamous Saddam Hussein henchman known as “chemical Ali” for his favorite method of murdering people, was sentenced to death by an Iraqi court. This is the forth such death sentence he has received since the fall of Hussein’s government in 2003.

The death sentence left Ali unfazed. “It was Saddam’s misfortune to commit one big crime,” he wryly observed. “I have committed so many individual and discrete murders at so many different times and places that I think I’ll probably die of old age before they can convict me of all of them.”

He may be right as many charges against him are still in the Iraqi court’s pipeline.

White House Parties to Boost Morale, Says Gibbs

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs defended the White House’s heavy schedule of entertainment as a “morale booster for the American people.” There have been over 100 parties so far. Far more than any previous Administration.

“Look, even if times are tough on a lot of people it can be reassuring for them to know that their President is still able to maintain a robust schedule of affairs at the White House,” Gibbs asserted. “Historically, citizens have always lived vicariously through their leaders. Perhaps even more importantly, though, this spending is helping to stimulate demand during the economic slowdown. Ultimately, this will benefit everyone.”

John Semmens’ Archives

Time for Palin, Tea Party to Rise up against McCain Campaign

Here’s the first call for Sarah Palin to withdraw her support of Senator John McCain in a planned visit to Arizona in March.

Likewise … first call for the Arizona Tea Party to mobilize against McCain’s re-election campaign.

McCain is pressing a war on conservatives and aiming to take over the Arizona Republican Party. He is dividing the party and trying to re-make it in his own image. His over-the-top actions call for strong resistance.

In recent weeks, McCain has …

• Started running campaign ads on Arizona radio stations. This week’s ad demonizes J.D. Hayworth, a former congressmen considering a primary run at McCain, but who is weeks away from making his decision. McCain had the gall to run the ad during Hayworth’s own radio show on KFYI in Phoenix.
• McCain tried to force the Arizona Republican Party to block primary challenges to federal office-holding incumbents – like himself. Under the self-serving plan, only incumbents would receive funds and backing from the Arizona GOP. This plan met unanimous opposition and failed.
• Now the new chairman of the Yuma County Republicans, Phil Townsend, has written a letter to Arizona’s 4,000 Republican precinct committeemen accusing conservative AZGOP Chairman Randy Pullen of improprieties and demanding an audit. Presumably, this is an effort to have Pullen replaced by a McCain man.

So, Sarah Palin: cancel your trip to Arizona for the purposes of supporting the McCain re-election campaign. This gutter-trawling campaign is dividing Republicans in Arizona, hitting innocent honest people below the belt, and is not in the best interests of Arizona, the United States Senate, or America.

Gov. Palin: keep your date in Arizona … and in place of supporting the McCain campaign … rally with the Arizona Tea Party faithful against the radical forces in Washington. You’ve paid your dues to McCain for nominating you two years ago for vice-president. Now stick to your conservative principles and unite the people of Arizona instead of rallying behind a divider.

Massachusetts Newspapers Endorse Coakley

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Massachusetts’ largest newspaper, the Boston Globe, urged voters to elect Attorney General Martha Coakley (D) to the senate seat vacated by the death of Senator Ted Kennedy last Fall.

The paper characterized the Republican candidate for the seat, state senator Scott Brown, as “an enemy of the Obama Administration and, by inference, an enemy of the hope and change themes of our newly elected President. The challenging times in which we live call for audacity, a quality possessed in great measure by the late Senator Kennedy.”

“While it is true that Attorney General Coakley, unlike like Senator Kennedy, hasn’t had to sacrifice anyone’s life, she has helped subject an innocent man to nearly two decades of imprisonment for a crime he did not commit,” the editors wrote. “This demonstrates a willingness and ability—the audacity, if we may say so—to do a difficult deed in order to attain the power necessary to promote a progressive agenda. Mr. Brown has nothing in his background indicating he would live up to this Kennedy legacy.”

Charles Pierce, writing for the Boston Globe Magazine, sought to remind voters that “the drowning death of Mary Jo Kopechne transformed Senator Kennedy from an irresponsible playboy into a champion for the underclasses. There is no doubt in my mind that Ms. Kopechne would be proud that the sacrifice of her life enabled Senator Kennedy to craft legislation that would have comforted her in her old age, had she lived.”

Cape Cod Today derided Brown as “an anti-candidate.” “We know what he’s against,” the editors wrote. “He’s against wasteful spending. He’s against higher taxes. He’s against the Islamic terrorists. He’s against social control of healthcare. But what is he for?”

“In contrast to Brown’s knee-jerk anti-government approach, Ms. Coakley keeps a more open mind on these same issues,” the editors pointed out. “She’s willing to consider whether deficit spending and high taxes may be needed to alleviate the maldistribution of society’s wealth. She’s willing to contemplate whether the focus on Islamic terrorists is a racist diversion from the much larger threat of right-wing terror from gun-nuts and anti-abortionists. And, perhaps most importantly, especially at this juncture, she stands with President Obama in his bid to wrest control over healthcare from an anarchic status quo and place it under social control.”

Obama Press Secretary Discounts Possibility of Brown Win in Massachusetts

Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says his boss isn’t worried about polls showing that voters favor the Republican candidate, Scott Brown, over his Democratic opponent, Martha Coakley, for the Massachusetts senate seat formerly held by Ted Kennedy.

“Polls don’t decide anything,” Gibbs declared. “It is those who count the votes who decide the outcome.”

Gibbs pointed out that “having a Democrat in charge of overseeing the tabulation of the votes will ensure that the late Senator Kennedy’s seat will not be stolen by underhanded Republican trickery. In fact, the President will meet with key Democrats in Massachusetts on Sunday to help make sure they don’t forget this.”

Chavez Calls on Citizens to “Expropriate the Expropriators”

Venezuela announced a devaluation of its currency ranging from 17% to 50% depending on a complex formula to be determined by the government. The lowered purchasing power of the currency will make replacement of existing business inventories more expensive and effectively expropriates a portion of all fixed dollar assets, like savings accounts, annuities, bonds, and pensions.

Following his announced devaluation of his nation’s currency, Venezuela President Hugo Chavez warned businesses that “any attempt to adjust prices to prevent losses from the devaluation are forbidden.” To help enforce his policy, Chavez asked citizens to “monitor businesses and take action to punish those who attempt to undermine my authority.” “We will expropriate the expropriators,” Chavez boasted.

“We will rely on vigilante justice as our first line of defense,” Chavez said. “Those who would thwart the will of the people by raising prices forfeit all claim to the goods in their possession. Citizens are empowered to seize the goods of the offending businesses and distribute them as socialist principles decree. Physical resistance may be met by such force as deemed necessary by those carrying out the seizures.”

NYC Mayor Proposes Blocking Consumer Access to Salt

Arguing that “a loving parent wouldn’t allow her child to eat asbestos or smoke cigarettes, so why should she allow him to eat salt?” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is proposing banning consumer access to salt in restaurants.

“Doctors all agree that salt is bad for us,” Bloomberg contended. “Yet, like disobedient children, too many of us can’t resist reaching for the salt shaker. For our own good, this has to be stopped.”

Admitting that “control over household use of salt is beyond our grasp given current technology,” Bloomberg said his plan is to “focus on food consumed in public places and served by licensed professionals.”

Under Bloomberg’s proposed plan, restaurants would be prohibited from allowing customers to apply salt on their own. “This means no salt shakers on the tables and no salt packets in bins at fast food joints,” he said. “Only chefs will be permitted to apply a closely regulated quantity that is deemed essential for food preparation. Pop inspections and paid informants will be deployed to make certain regulated limits are not breached.”

“Once we get restaurant consumption under control, we can think about ways to deal with home consumption,” Bloomberg added. “Whether that involves pop inspections and informants or a ban on the retail sale of salt is still up in the air.”

Reid Defends Accuracy of Remarks, Refuses General Apology

Under fire in some quarters for remarks many consider to have been racially insensitive, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) refused to make a general apology and defended the accuracy of what he said.

“Look, events have borne out the astuteness of my observation,” Reid argued. “Barack, a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect was elected president. Darker-skinned men with buffoonish dialects were not. I think that pretty well substantiates how on-target my observations were.”

It is believed that the darker-skinned individuals to whom Senator Reid was referring include Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Both men unsuccessfully sought the presidency.

Reid insisted that he has “already apologized to the only person who matters. I mean, I could’ve cost him the election if this news had come out when I originally made the comment. Thankfully, the media withheld it until the danger had passed.”

Last weekend, Reid apologized to President Obama. The president accepted the apology.

China Mulls Options for Dealing with Gender Imbalance

The Chinese government’s one-child per family policy has produced an imbalance between the sexes born over the last generation. Chinese culture heavily favors male offspring. This has resulted in the abortion of over 20 million female fetuses. It is now projected that over 20 million Chinese men of the upcoming generation will be unable to find wives. Government officials are now pondering remedies.

Outlawing abortions is not considered a viable option since the government needs to use abortions to enforce the one-child policy. It also would fail to address the existing imbalance. Discussion has focused on two alternate approaches that have been dubbed “liberal” and “traditional.”

Under the liberal option, Chinese men would be encouraged to seek out “unconventional” sex partners. Advocate of the liberal approach, Minister of Education Gai Manchu urges that “alternative lifestyles could form the foundation for resolving the disparity. Destigmatizing homosexuality would enable male-to-male attachments that could meet sexual needs in the face of the shortage of females. Further, the lack of offspring from these attachments would amplify the effectiveness of our population control efforts.”

The traditional option rejects homosexuality as “an affront to China’s cultural heritage.” “The imbalance would be better handled by castrating the surplus males,” argued Minister of Defense No Dong-Now. “Eunuchs have a long and storied history in our country. Some of our fiercest warriors have been eunuchs. Unlike the liberal option, the threat of sexually transmitted diseases would be nonexistent. And the detached biological material can be reprocessed for fertilizer—boosting our agricultural output.”

The Chinese government’s Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao sagely observed that “the resolution of our dilemma does not require one all-or-nothing choice. Both the liberal and traditional approaches can be implemented simultaneously. We do, after all, have more than 20 million units of human resource to work with.”

John Semmens’ Archives

London Telegraph Flails at List of Top U.S. Conservatives … again

Americans would have a very difficult time listing the top 100 conservatives in the United Kingdom. Likewise, a British newspaper keeps trying to list the 100 most influential conservatives in the U.S. – and keeps making glaring errors.

The London Telegraph obviously has a different understanding of the definition of “conservative” than American conservatives hold. The 2010 list is raising eyebrows over its selection of the top 100 U.S. conservatives, just as the Telegraph’s 2007 list did.

The Arizona Conservative lumped Telegraph choices into the following groups, followed by a short list of who should have been included:

YES!

James Dobson, Ann Coulter, Tony Perkins, Jim DeMint, Michelle Bachmann, Joe Wilson, Michael Barone, Paul Gigot, Victor Davis Hanson, Eric Erickson, Christopher Ruddy, Frank Luntz, Tom DeLay, Mike Murphy, Bob Tyrrell, Marc Thiessen, Peggy Noonan, Fred Thompson, Patrick Ruffini, Eric Odom, John Kasich, Thomas Sowell, Bill O’Reilly, Marco Rubio, Ron Paul, Michelle Malkin, George Will, Justice Clarence Thomas, Michael Savage, Rick Perry, David Keene, Morton Blackwell, Alex Castellanos, California Congressman Kevin McCarthy, Rush Limbaugh, Matt Drudge, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Roger Ailes, Gen. David Petraus, Cong. Paul Ryan, Gov. Tim Pawlenty, Chief Justice John Roberts, Haley Barbour, Cong. Eric Cantor, Cong. Mike Pence, Gov. Bob McDonnell, Newt Gingrich, Andrew Breitbart, Gov. Bobby Jindal, Shawn Hannity, Mark Levin, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Laura Ingraham, Antonin Scalia, Cong. John Boehner, Ed Feulner, Sen. Tom Coburn, Rich Lowry, Sen. John Thune

NO WAY, ARE YOU KIDDING?

Scandal-ridden South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman Jr. (an ambassador in the Obama Administration), Florida’s RINO Governor Charlie Crist, RINO Senator Lindsay Graham (South Carolina), Lou Dobbs, Meg Whitman (McCainiac and California candidate for governor), Senator Judd Gregg (New Hampshire), ultra-liberal Senator Olympia Snowe (Maine), Arizona Congressman Jeff Flake (supports amnesty and one of the congressional bills at the top of the homosexual agenda’s wish list, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act), former Congressman Dick Armey (once joined forces with the ACLU), Dick Morris, Grover Norquist (sympathetic to homosexual agenda), RINO Mary Matalin, RINO Richard Lugar, Carly Fiorina, RINO Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Schmidt (favors same-sex “marriage”), neo-con Bill Kristol, liberal Rudy Giuliani, Robert Gates, Sen. John Mccain (loathes conservatives and social issues), David Brooks (New York Times lib), Charles Krauthammer (not pro-life), Sen. Joe Lieberman (not even close), Karl Rove (opposed conservative Republican congressional candidates; insisted on the re-election of liberal Arlen Specter, helping assure cloture on health care bill), Michael Steele

DON’T BELONG IN THE TOP  100

Liz Cheney, Clifford May, Jack Keane, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Tucker Carlson, former Florida Congressman and TV show host Joe Scarborough (going green), Jon Voight (too much unknown about his views on social issues), Mitt Romney (squishy on social issues), former President George W. Bush (amnesty, big government, spending), Mike Huckabee (damaged conservative movement in Arkansas), David Frumm, John Bolton, Gov. Mitch Daniels

THESE CONSERVATIVES SHOULD BE INCLUDED

Cong. Trent Franks, former Cong. Tom Tancredo, Mark Steyn, Phyllis Schlafly, Justice Clarence Thomas, Chuck Colson, Professor Robert George, Wesley J. Smith, David Barton, Gov. Mike Rounds, National Right To Life Director Douglas Johnson, Mark Crutcher, Dinesh D’Souza, David Limbaugh, Dennis Prager, Albert Mohler, Maggie Gallagher, Jonah Goldberg, Byron York, Gary Bauer, Bill Bennett, John McArthur, Brian Brown, Rev. Charles Chaput, Edwin Meese, Jim Daly, William Donohue, Wayne Grudem, Harry Jackson Jr., Richard Land, Tim Keller, Don Wildmon, Ravi Zacharias