Administration Demonstrates Resolve to Counter Major Threat

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

In direct contradiction to accusations that it is “dithering” or “wishy-washy,” the Obama Administration has acted forcefully to counter what it calls “the most serious and credible threat we face at this time.” It turns out that it is the rising popularity of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, as evidenced in record-breaking sales of her autobiographical book and the massive crowds that have attended her book-signing appearances, that has spurred a concerted effort at countermeasures from the Obama Administration.

While Ms. Palin will still be permitted to go through with an appearance at the Army’s Fort Bragg in North Carolina, she will not be allowed to pose with any soldiers for photographs or to add personal messages when signing copies of her book. In addition, the media will be barred from covering the event.

Fort Bragg spokesman Tom McCollum explained that Garrison Commander Colonel Stephen J. Sicinski was “under strict orders from the President to ensure that our enemies do not exploit this event to the detriment of the Administration’s policies and positions.”

“We appreciate that many of our troops might relish a souvenir photo with the author, and ordinarily it would be okay, but this is a special case, calling for special measures,” McCollum said. “The President believes it is Ms. Palin’s intent to undermine and overthrow his government. It would be inappropriate for a soldier in uniform to have his or her picture taken with such a person. It’d be like having a photo taken with bin Laden.”

McCollum said policing the photo restriction would be simple, “cameras will not be permitted. Smuggled cameras will be seized. As for personalized messages accompanying the autograph, we will be inspecting all books on the way out. Those with offending messages will be confiscated and offending soldiers disciplined.”

“We’re going to nip this in the bud,” McCollum insisted. “We cannot allow a cadre of soldiers who might potentially be disloyal to the Commander-in-Chief to be recruited right under our noses. The stakes are just too high.”

Meanwhile, Mitch Stewart, director of Barack Obama’s Organizing for America sent out a plea for donations to help fund countermeasures to the Palin threat. “Sarah Palin may be the most dangerous threat that President Obama will face during his term in office,” Stewart wrote. “She has effectively rallied voters to oppose his policies and now is embarked on an unfortunately successful tour promoting her book. She must be stopped. Your donation will help the President beat back this threat and achieve his agenda for change.”

Global Climate May Cool, then Warm, or Vice Versa, Says Scientist

In a speech before 1,500 of the world’s top climate scientists, Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute of Marine Sciences at Kiel University, Germany warned that “the recent cooling trend should not be allowed to divert attention from our main purpose. Temperatures rise, temperatures fall, sometimes catastrophically. Amidst these fluctuations, though, it is imperative that funding for climate research be maintained.”

“Many governments are looking for ways to reduce expenditures during the current recession,” Latif ominously observed. “Consequently, a perception that climatic dangers may be easing or that there may be plenty of time to respond to trends that take millennia to evolve must not be permitted to gain a foothold.”

Latif emphasized that his remarks come at a critical time and praised “the efforts of earnest amateurs, like Nobel Laureate Al Gore, who are helping to create the sense of urgency needed to ensure an uninterrupted cash flow. But we cannot leave all the heavy work to others. We, too, must keep up the pressure. The value of dire prognostications from prestigious academic institutes and renowned members of the scientific establishment must not be underestimated.”

Embattled Treasury Secretary Blames Reagan for Country’s Economic Woes

Seeking to deflect a rising frequency of calls for his resignation, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner suggested that “the root source of our current troubles can be traced back to the Reagan Administration. Remember, it was the tax cuts and deregulation pushed by President Reagan that unleashed an abnormal expansion of economic growth. The American people became accustomed to an unhealthy pace of increasing material prosperity that is incompatible with the more socially conscious restraint President Obama is trying to bring to this country.”

“Rising home values, rising investment values, rising salaries all stimulate a sense of greed that is at odds with the type of new nation Obama is trying to build,” Geithner said. “This country was already on the path to learning to live with reduced expectations under President Carter until Reagan took us off the track.”

Geithner insisted that “those who criticize what we’re doing now to get back on track are deluded by an unrealistic optimism about the future. In most of the rest of the world people are much poorer than even Americans who are out of work. Accommodating to lower expectations and living standards is the path that the President has chosen for this country. The sooner people get with the program the easier it will be for all.”

Credit Card Oversight Bill Advances

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has gotten the Consumer Financial Protection Act through his House Financial Services Committee. This bill will create a new federal agency to oversee consumer credit.

“Too many people are frivolously abusing credit,” Frank alleged. “They’re buying things they don’t need with money they don’t have. This is a recipe for bankruptcy. We have to stop it.”

Under the legislation, a Consumer Financial Protection Agency (CFPA) would review all current credit cards, as well as applications for new cards, to determine whether the cards are, or would be, used appropriately. Cards intended for uses that don’t meet CFPA standards would be revoked or denied.

Frank acknowledged that the new oversight might be characterized as “intrusive,” but argued that “intrusion is what we need right now. Most people are using these cards selfishly for their own material benefit. Few give any consideration to the social needs of the community. I see nothing wrong with inserting some control over this behavior. It’s like a dad taking a card away from his teenage daughter. It’s for the good of the whole.”

President Dismisses Worries that Stimulus Money Has Been Squandered or Stolen

Reports that some federal stimulus payments apparently may have been stolen or squandered failed to dent President Barack Obama’s confidence that his program is working. Questions arose when a number of supposed recipients of the federal money turned out to be fictitious.

The President urged people to “stop nitpicking every detail of my program. I am trying to deal with the worst national crisis since 1933. A few crumbs falling through the cracks is no big deal.” Some of the “crumbs,” for example, seem to have fallen into a nonexistent “crack” the Administration’s web site (Recovery.gov) labeled “Arizona Congressional District 15.” Arizona only has eight congressional districts.

“Accounting for where this money went is far less of a concern than the fact that it was spent,” the President asserted. “Even if it turns out to be true that funds were misappropriated, the key objective was to inject money into the economy. After all, even a thief spends his loot. This spending helps stimulate the economy.”

Nipplitaliano Denies Rumors

Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano, denied rumors that Major Nidal Hasan was working undercover for her agency when he went on his shooting spree at Fort Hood in Texas two weeks ago.

“Yes, it’s true that Major Hasan participated in a presidential transition task force last year,” Nipplitaliano admitted. “But I am disavowing all knowledge of his actions regarding the shootings at Fort Hood.”

Nipplitaliano suggested that “Hasan may have misinterpreted our warning about the dangers of gun-toting military veterans and taken it upon himself to act unilaterally to try to reduce this threat by culling potential recruits to right wing terror organizations in this country.”

AG Guarantees Conviction in NYC Terror Trial

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder sought to allay fears that the pending trial of the 9-11 terrorists scheduled for New York City might go wrong.

“Look, I guarantee these suspects will be found guilty,” Holder adamantly assured senators during a committee hearing. “We aren’t going into this unprepared. It’s like the “Red Queen” said, verdict first, then the trial.”

“However, in the event we get an “OJ-type jury,” they won’t escape consequences,” holder continued. “There are other options. They could be rendered over to another government. And, of course, we can’t guard against every possible misfortune that might befall these men should they be acquitted and released in New York City. The important thing is that we maintain this country’s tradition of the appearance of due process.”

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President Touts Domestic Employment Initiative

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

With the official unemployment rate topping 10 percent and the “unofficial” rate approaching 20%, President Barack Obama has sought to reverse his plunging job approval numbers by launching what he calls a “domestic employment initiative.”

“I am calling on the wealthiest 10% of Americans to help out the 10 percent who are unemployed by hiring them as domestic servants or personal aides,” Obama announced. “Even in these hard times, the upper crust of our society has more money than they need and lives in bigger houses than necessary. So, the means and infrastructure to support my initiative are already present. All that’s required is the will to make it happen.”

The President pointed out that “my wife has, herself, hired over two dozen personal assistants. And I am happy to report that she now wonders how she ever got along without them. I am confident that others will likely experience a similar epiphany once they have someone on their payrolls to cook, clean and run errands.”

Obama said he hoped the initiative would spark sufficient voluntary participation, but would consider a more forceful approach if necessary. “If the kind of carefree life Michelle has enjoyed through her acts of generosity isn’t inspiring enough we can look into other types of inducements,” he said.

Among the “other inducements” receiving some play in the Obama Administration is a “surtax” on incomes over $250,000 per year for households that do not hire at least one more domestic servant/aide—the funds from which would be used to hire servants and aides for families earning less than $250,000 per year.

President Brokers Deficit Reduction Deal

Indications that American voters are becoming concerned with ballooning federal deficits is building pressure on the President to come up with a solution. A leak from a well-placed Administration official says a “blockbuster” deal is in the works.

The deal is said to involve a massive “payment-in-kind” to the nation’s largest creditor—the Government of China. Concerned that its holding of a trillion dollars in US Treasury debt might be wiped out by a collapse in the value of the US currency, the Government of China has reached tentative agreement with the Obama Administration for the debt to be cancelled in return for a trillion dollars worth of military hardware.

“It really makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said the leaking official. “The Chinese Army has manpower, but is short on sophisticated equipment like aircraft carriers, long-range missiles, and high-performance airplanes. In contrast, we have far more than we need. Not only would transferring these military assets reduce the debt, it would also save us the expense of maintaining and manning these assets.”

The prospective deal is also deemed likely to reduce tensions between the two nations. “Look, tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union were greatly reduced when we supplied them with weapons during World War II,” said the official. “Why shouldn’t we expect a similar outcome here?”

ACORN Sues Federal Government

The Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, better known by its acronym—ACORN—has filed suit against the federal government over the cut to its funding passed by Congress. The suit alleges that the cuts are both “inequitable” and “unconstitutional.”

“First of all, the extensive history of government payments to our organization has created a financial dependency that it is the government’s obligation to sustain,” claimed ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis. “Cutting us off is just as wrong as cutting off the benefits to a welfare mother whose income-earning skills have atrophied while she has been on the dole. Those who depend on that dole—mother and children alike—would be irreparably harmed. Those who depend on ACORN—both its offices and clients will be irreparably harmed.”

“Second, ACORN was a vital participant in the electoral process that brought the current Administration into power and ensured a Democratic majority in Congress,” Lewis continued. “They owe us. Cutting us off is like defaulting on a debt. It’s just wrong.”

ACORN maintains that in addition to being unfair, the cut in funding violates the “ex post facto,” “bill of attainder,” and “cruel and unusual punishment” prohibitions in the Constitution. “Advising someone on how to set up a business, even an illegal one, has never been prosecuted before,” Lewis contended. “I mean, lawyers do it all the time. Cracking down on ACORN comes after-the-fact and singles us out for cruel and unusual punishment. Certainly, this is not the ‘change’ the President intended for his Administration.”

Congress Exempts Self from Health Care Bill

While the health care legislation recently passed by congress is deemed worthy enough to merit universal application to ordinary folks—in fact there are fines and prison sentences in store for those who would dare to refuse to participate—it apparently is not good enough for members of the federal government. Despite being given eleven different opportunities to amend the bill to include mandatory participation by members of congress, the Democratic majority voted every one of the amendments down.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained that “the President said that people who are satisfied with their current health insurance don’t have to change. We in congress are satisfied with our insurance and, to be blunt, are in a position to ensure that we don’t have to change, because we make the laws.”

The health insurance coverage enjoyed by members of congress has long been considered the “gold standard” for its extensive and generous benefits. Suggestions that it be used as a model for a national health care system for all Americans has been repeatedly rejected as infeasible due to its high cost.

“It’s possible to cover a small minority, like congress, with the kind of benefits we all long for,” Pelosi said. “But it would be far too costly to try to provide it for everyone. It is essential to ensure that those who govern this great nation be kept in the best of health. To try to do the same for all is a luxury we cannot afford. Sometimes people just have to settle for less than they might want.”

One-Man Jihad Should Not Deflect Us from Main Danger

U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Nipplitaliano, warned Americans to “not let the actions of one troubled individual obscure a more serious threat.” The “troubled individual,” of course is Nidal Malik Hasan, the would-be jihadi who went on a shooting spree that killed 14 people at Fort Hood in Texas.

“Many will cite this individual’s rants and affiliations with radical Islamist groups to divert attention from the fact that there are amongst us millions of military veterans and gun nuts who vastly outnumber the few thousand Muslim fanatics who would take up arms against unbelievers,” Nipplitaliano asserted. “Clearly, we must counter the easy availability of guns and the prejudicial attitudes that pose the more alarming threat.”

Nipplitaliano said “law-abiding Americans can also take comfort that their President is working with international organizations and other nations to implement treaties that will severely curtail access to firearms. A Congress influenced by NRA (National Rifle Association) lobbying may balk at measures aimed at getting control of guns, but there is a way around this impediment. Few realize that according to the Constitution, treaties take precedence over mere statutes or Constitutional Amendments. If the President signs onto international agreements restricting gun ownership, NRA lobbying will be nullified.”

In related news, President Obama urged the nation “not to be too hard on the alleged assailant at Fort Hood. Longstanding racial prejudice inflicts deep wounds on the victims. Rage is the natural consequence. I, myself, have felt rage against the white man. I wrote about it in my book. If I hadn’t been able to channel that rage into obtaining power through legal means, I, too, might very easily have taken up arms against my oppressors.”

Global Recovery Will Not Be Driven by U.S. Consumer

President Barack Obama is expected to inform Asian leaders that they should not count on American consumers to supply the demand that will help pull the global economy out of its current recession.

“The era of material greed must come to an end,” Obama declared. “I can’t directly affect the phenomenon of avarice in other countries, but I can try to set an example in my own.”

The President acknowledged that the unemployment rate in the United States “has already taken a bite out of the consumer gluttony traditionally manifested in American life. But we must not lose what we have gained by returning to old ways. Getting people to learn to live with less is one of the fundamental changes I’m making to the American way of life.”

“My pay czar has already begun the process of sopping up excess purchasing power from those who don’t need it,” Obama said. “And our cap-and-trade energy bill will siphon off more unneeded income. The frugal America I am building won’t be able to buy the unnecessary gadgets Asian economies are manufacturing.” The President recommended that Asian nations “shift toward producing more environmentally friendly ‘green goods.’”

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Health Care Bill Would Require People to Pay More, Get Less

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Analysis of the pending Obama Administration health care bill indicates that most taxpayers will end up paying more, yet get less medical care than they currently do under preexisting plans. This, however, is not a bad thing according to an Obama Administration spokesperson.

“An estimated 90% of visits to the doctor are unnecessary,” observed Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. “By eliminating as many of these visits as we can, we will hold down the cost of care. We will also be reducing the frequency with which patients are injured by doctors. Most people aren’t aware that being treated by a doctor is the nation’s third leading cause of death. Only heart disease and cancer kill more people. By keeping more people out of this high risk zone through rationing, more lives will be saved.”

“At the same time, by levying higher taxes on the general population we will reduce the funds available for expenditures on items detrimental to their health,” she continued. “For example, if you have less money in your pocket you won’t be buying unnecessary food. Since the majority of our population is overweight, buying less food will improve their health.”

Sebelius pointed out that “studies of lab rats put on near starvation diets show that life expectancies actually increase. So, there’s a solid argument for trying to move Americans closer to this experimental ideal. If we can accomplish this by taxing people more we shouldn’t hesitate to take that bold step.”

In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized claims that the pending bill would authorize taxpayer funding for abortion as “false.” “The bill does not explicitly allocate any funding for abortion,” Pelosi said. “The bill merely empowers the Secretary of Health and Human Services to make that determination. The only abortions that will be funded are those that the Secretary approves.”

Geithner Defends Giving Wall Street Priority in Swine Flu Vaccinations

With less than half the doses estimated to be needed likely to actually be available, the government has set rules aimed at directing short supplies to those deemed most vulnerable. As expected, children and pregnant women top the publicized priority list. Unexpectedly, though, it has been disclosed that Wall Street bankers and brokers have also been allocated a share of the scarce supply.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner explained that “ordinary people can’t be expected to understand the strategic need for us to keep Wall Street up and running. Missing a single day’s trading because of the flu could cost a man millions and his firm billions in profits. These are not your average ‘Joe-six-pack’ guys making a couple hundred dollars a day that’s covered by sick leave. There’s real pain involved.”

“Besides, these Wall Street guys don’t necessarily get to keep all that money anyway,” Geithner added. “The ‘pay czar’ may be confiscating a large chunk of it. So, keeping these guys going nets more for the US Treasury.”

Zelaya Asks for U.S. Troops to Reinstate Him

Honduras’ deposed would-be “strongman,” Manuel Zelaya called on US President Obama to send troops to help him regain control of the Honduran government. Zelaya was president of Honduras until he was removed from office earlier this year by joint action of the country’s supreme court and legislature.

“Micheletti has pissed on the agreement we made to restore my power,” Zelaya angrily alleged. “He is going ahead with the scheduled elections without my approval. He has refused to include my proposed constitutional amendment to extend my term of office. A new government will be formed without my consent.”

Acting President Roberto Micheletti insists that Zelaya was asked to submit names of persons he would like to serve in the interim cabinet being formed to oversee the regularly scheduled election later this month. As for restoring Zelaya to power, Micheletti says “the congress has declined to approve this option—as is its prerogative under the agreement signed by Señor Zelaya.”

Zelaya argues that “I granted them no such prerogative. Even if the agreement seems to leave them that option, our unwritten understanding was that I would be placed back in charge of the government.”

To prevent what he called “the people’s republic from going down the drain,” Zelaya called upon “my good friend Barack Obama to send military forces to suppress this uprising against my authority.”

Ironically, the “uprising” is being carried out by Zelaya’s own Liberal Party—of which both he and Micheletti are members.

MSNBC Commentator Calls for End to Voter Terror

Left-wing news commentator for MSNBC Keith Olbermann declared voter demonstrations against the Administration’s health care bill “terrifying” and urged that “they be stopped in some way.” The remarks came in response to a massive rally in Washington this past Thursday by opponents of the health care bill originally slated for a vote in the House of Representatives on Saturday.

“Here are our duly elected members of Congress trying to do their job, trying to fix a broken health care system, when mobs of ignorant yahoos descend on them,” Olbermann complained. “How can we expect to govern the people of America when rabble rousers like Bachmann and Palin are allowed to stir up opposition like this?”

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) had encouraged voters to “make a House call” to try to persuade their elected representatives to vote against the bill. Former Governor Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) has been an active Internet critic of the Obama health care plan.

Olbermann suggested that “active opposition to government policies could be confined to a more manageable ‘window’ within 60 days of an election—as called for by the campaign laws. I mean, what good are these laws if they can’t reduce criticism to tolerable levels? Whether we slap fines on these people or call out the troops, something’s got to be done to put and end to this type of terroristic tactic against the government.”

In related news, Senator Michael Bennet (D-Colo.) had several constituents arrested when they came to his office to offer their views on the health care bill. “This is not the proper venue for citizen input,” Bennet said. “The voters’ job is to elect the right man on election day. That job has already been done. Now it’s time for that right man—in this case, me—to do his job and vote for this legislation.” Bennet also offered the opinion that “as a senator I have the right to have anyone I want arrested for hampering me in the performance of my duties.”

Dems May Discipline Lieberman

Now that Senator Joe Lieberman (ID-Conn) has indicated he may vote against the President’s health care legislation his Democratic colleagues in the Senate are contemplating how to persuade him to come back into line with the Democratic Party’s position on the issue.

Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) warned Lieberman that “bad things may happen to him if he can’t fully support the Democratic Party’s agenda. If he’s raising supposed ‘matters of conscience’ or placing his notion of duty to his constituents or the good of the nation ahead of loyalty to the Democratic Party, he should have to pay a price. Look, we have to draw the line somewhere if we hope to maintain control over policy.”

Possible sanctions that could be imposed on Lieberman are said to include stripping him of his chairmanship of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs and rejecting any earmarks he submits.

“He only has the chair of that committee by our permission,” Harkins pointed out. “And he can’t expect to share in the distribution of pork-barrel spending if he won’t vote with us on important issues. Senator Lieberman is risking a whole array of senatorial privileges that he seems to take for granted.”

Labour Party’s Support for More Muslim Immigration May Have Bad End

Great Britain’s Labour (Socialist) Party program to ease restrictions on immigration from Pakistan may end up bringing more trouble than the government bargained for. While Party insiders saw the program as a way of ultimately boosting votes for the Party, some of these immigrants are agitating for the imposition of Islamic law on a society-wide basis.

Former Labour Home Secretary Jack Straw admitted “we sure didn’t see this coming. We thought these immigrants would eventually become citizens and, in gratitude for what we’d done for them, vote Socialist. The demand that sharia become the law of the land totally blindsided us.”

At first the Government hoped that granting Muslims the option of choosing to have sharia law applied to civil disputes among members of the Islamic faith would be sufficient to meet Muslim demands. But the demands have escalated to an insistence on its universal application.

“British society is depraved and ungodly,” said Muslim leader, Anjem Choudary. “The despicable behavior of the unbelievers is polluting the environment for the faithful. All must be cleansed.” Choudary has suggested that “the Queen set a good example by wearing the burkha when out in public.”

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Another Marriage Victory, More Hatred from the Homosexual Agenda Crowd

Every time the advocates of the extremely radical homosexual agenda lose another election, their blatant hate and anger flare up to alarming new levels. The pretense of their so-called “tolerance” has actually been over for quite some time.

These angry, hateful folks went ballistic again after voters in Maine this week defeated their latest effort to keep same-sex “marriage” legal. The legislature had passed a legalization bill earlier this year, and the governor signed it into law.

Prop 1 gave the people the opportunity to weigh in on the importance of marriage as the union of one man and one woman. And they did: informing the out-of-step lawmakers and governor that marriage should not be tampered with.

Rather than accept the will of the people as settled matter, the radicals vented hatred on the Internet, evidenced by the following disgraceful and inappropriate remarks:

“Today’s heartbreaking defeat unfortunately shows that lies and fear can still win at the ballot box,” said Rea Carey, executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

In a defiant speech to several hundred lingering supporters, No on 1 campaign manager Jesse Connolly pledged that his side “will not quit until we know where every single one of these votes lives.”

A Mainer blogged: “What I find most interesting, based on comments at news stories and on social network sites is that yesterday, when the polls showed a narrow ‘No on 1′ win, I lived in an independent-minded, moderate state. Now it seems we’ve been transformed into a group of backwards, bigoted haters. Funny how that works.   The gay marriage law was rejected not just by the state’s dwindling GOP voter, but by independents and Democrats.”

Bloggers on the Democratic Underground wrote: Drop a bomb on Kennebunkport; and

Kennebunk voted No! with at least 60% so drop your bombs somewhere else. Maybe Aroostook.

These comments are disturbing and filled with hatred and vitriol.

Yet, these are the same people who cheered and applauded when Congress recently passed a new “hate” crimes law. And now they’re violating that law, poisoning the climate toward honest citizens, and casting a chill wind on the First Amendment’s guarantee of free speech as well as the democratic process.

CBS Warned by Obama Administration

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

CBS News skepticism regarding the number of jobs saved by the Obama Administration’s stimulus legislation raised ire at the White House. CBS News reporter Chip Reid aired a report revealing that many of the Administration’s claimed “job saved or created” totals were either exaggerated or false.

Separately, CBS investigative reporter Stephen Stock worked undercover to expose a pattern of fraud at medical clinics operating in South Florida. This is part of an estimated annual $60 billion worth of fraud perpetrated in the government’s Medicare and Medicaid programs.

“We’re putting CBS on notice,” said Barack Obama’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. “It’s basically a question of loyalty. We expect this kind of nonsense from Fox News. By imitating Fox, though, CBS is undermining its credibility with the Administration. They need to know that no good can come of such behavior.”

Emanuel indicated that CBS, like Fox, might be put off limits for Administration officials. “Access to those inside the Obama Administration is by invitation and permission only,” Emanuel reminded. “We can’t stop our enemies from attending events open to the public, but we don’t have to let them into our own house.”

CBS, along with other recognized news outlets, recently thwarted Administration efforts to exclude Fox News from participating in a “pooled-media” interview with Obama’s “pay czar,” Kenneth Feinberg.

Dems Warn that Too Much Ballot Scrutiny Will Disenfranchise Disadvantaged

The Democratic Party of New Jersey is pressuring the Secretary of State to ignore discrepancies on the signatures that are supposed to verify absentee ballots. Under state law, anyone can cast an absentee ballot for any reason.

Paul P. Josephson, a lawyer representing the New Jersey Democratic State Committee, declared “this level of scrutiny is unwarranted and discriminatory. Just because a signature contains misspellings, or a different address or name than the registered voter is insufficient reason for disqualifying the vote. Many Democratic voters are poorly educated, illiterate, or worse. Cracking down on these ‘errors’ will disproportionately depress the votes for Democratic candidates.”

“Obviously, the ballot has to be filled out by a real person,” Josephson continued. “That person, whoever he or she may be, is entitled to participate in our great system of democratic self-government.”

Josephson denigrated the idea that checking signatures was an important safeguard against fraud. “Look, if they were serious about combating fraud every voter would be required to show positive proof of identity before casting a ballot. Once you allow unlimited absentee voting, though, that’s impossible. Throwing out the few percent of ballots that are crude fakes is unfair when the more competently done forgeries can sneak through.”

In other New Jersey news, that state’s appeals court ruled that citizens do not have a right to possess hand guns. “It is inconceivable that an Amendment written in 1787, when only muzzle-loading muskets were available, can be stretched to cover modern weaponry,” Judge Stephen Skillman wrote on behalf of a unanimous three-judge panel. “To rule otherwise would enable a private civilian arms race that could put the government’s ability to control the population at risk.”

Obama Administration Rebuts Criticism of “Cash for Clinkers” Program

Recent disclosure that the so-called “cash for clunkers” government program that paid new car buyers up to $4500 each for the trade-in of qualifying vehicles actually cost taxpayers an average of over $24,000 per trade-in due to government “red tape,” prompted a scathing response on the whitehouse.gov web site.

“Quibbling over the cost to taxpayers is both untimely and unseemly,” wrote an anonymous White House staffer. “The important objective is to pump money into the economy. It wouldn’t have mattered if we simply threw currency from the windows of a moving car. In this case, the government employees who processed the paperwork had jobs. So, one man’s waste turned out to be another man’s wages. This is the core of the Obama recovery plan. We mustn’t allow petty notions of fiscal frugality to derail it.”

Forcing People to Buy Health Insurance President’s Prerogative, Says Gibbs

White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs dismissed arguments that there is no Constitutional mandate for requiring people to purchase health insurance.

“The President’s opponents are tying themselves in knots over arcane notions of ‘enumerated powers’ and ‘rights supposedly reserved to the people’ when the issue is as simple as can be,” Gibbs asserted. “I’m no Constitutional scholar, but as I read the document, President Obama is the nation’s Supreme Commander. And if the Supreme Commander gives an order, everyone is obliged to obey it—’game over.’”

Gibb’s statement was backed up by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who maintains that the issue of whether there is a Constitutional mandate for compelling people to buy health insurance is “not a serious question. We are a sovereign government. That means we can make laws and the people must comply.”

Pelosi added “I don’t see any difference between taxing people to fund a government delivered service and requiring them to go out and buy that service from a private firm. We already force people to fund Social Security. We forced people to pay bailouts to private banks. We force them to pay for innumerable special projects in every appropriations bill. Why are the so-called conservatives belatedly raising a Constitutional issue over health care when that horse left the barn long ago?”

President Obama Surpasses Bush Administration on Golf Course

CBS’ Mark Knoller reports that the Obama Administration is on pace to more than triple the output of rounds of golf played by a president while in office. In his first nine months in office, President Barack Obama has played 24 rounds of golf. It took President Bush 34 months to play as many holes.

The President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, attributed the feat to “the superior dynamism of an agenda focused on hope and change. The faster pace set by the President is emblematic of the energy he has brought into the White House. It should bolster confidence in his ability to take on the challenges of the job.”

Gibbs contrasted the upbeat message sent by President Obama compared to President Bush at the same point in their respective terms. “When Bush was president nearly 3,000 Americans were killed in a terrorist attack by this point in his reign,” Gibbs said. “Fear and anxiety gripped the nation. Under President Obama, America has been free from attack and the President has won a Nobel Peace Prize. Which America would you rather live in?”

Key Dems Order Suppression of Report on Honduras

The chairmen of the House and Senate foreign relations committees—Representative Howard Berman (D-Calif) and Senator John Kerry (D-Mass), respectively—are demanding the librarians at the Law Library of Congress to suppress a report on the Honduran crisis. The problem with the report is that it concludes that the removal of former Honduran President Manuel Zelaya was carried out in accordance with that country’s constitution.

“This report directly contradicts the President’s position on this crisis,” Berman pointed out. “It creates an air of confusion regarding US policy on this matter. On matters of foreign policy, this nation must speak with one voice and that voice belongs to the President.”

Berman suggested that “as a general rule, a government library should not be a repository for documents contradicting the President’s policies. If the librarians hope to keep their jobs we expect them to enforce this without our having to point out their responsibility.”

Kerry Warns McChrystal’s Call for Additional Troops Goes “Too Far, Too Fast”

The chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) labeled General Stanley McChrystal’s proposal to send 40,000 additional U.S. combat troops to Afghanistan “ill-considered.”

“This kind of blind blustering and saber-rattling might have sold in the Bush era, but it’s a new day under Democratic leadership,” Kerry boasted. “A more cautious and deliberate approach must guide us.”

In support of his position, the Senator cited a resolution passed unanimously by the Berkeley City Council calling for “an end to the United States’ barbarous ravaging of Afghanistan with cowardly remote attacks.” “At least the so-called jihadis have the good taste to blow themselves to bits when launching their suicide missions against American troops,” said Councilmember Max Anderson. “Their willingness to give their own lives offsets the collateral damage they inflict on innocent bystanders.”

Kerry recommended that rather than meet General McChrystal’s request, “we, instead, send a smaller number of troops a shorter distance.” “An expeditionary force of 10,000 US troops to Honduras to back the reinstatement of President Zelaya would be more in keeping with the new direction and attitude President Obama is trying to implement for American foreign policy,” Kerry contended.

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Democrats Reject Cheney Criticism of Afghan Policy

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Former Vice-President Dick Chenney’s comment accusing the Obama Administration of “dithering” on the decision whether to send more troops to Afghanistan drew sharp rebukes from key Democrats.

Administration Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs dismissed Chenney’s comments as “off-base.” “Where Mr. Chenney sees dithering, the reality is that we are pursuing a conscious policy of aggressive equivocation,” Gibbs said. “The aim is to keep America’s enemies off-balance. Not knowing whether more US troops are on the way will undermine their planning.”

Defense Secretary Robert Gates echoed Gibbs’ take on the issue, explaining that “postponing a decision on deployment throws a monkey wrench into the al-Qaeda machinery. They don’t know whether it will be weeks, months, years, or never before more US troops hit the battlefield. The blow to their morale is substantial.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called Chenney’s remarks “undignified.” “To publicly criticize the President when the nation is at war can only embolden our enemies,” she declared. “Besides, Mr. Chenney is overlooking the strategic value of ambiguity. Keeping our adversaries guessing preserves the element of surprise for whatever action is ultimately taken.”

In related news, Gates refused to consider negotiations with Japan for the withdrawal of US troops that have been stationed in that country since the end of World War II. “I hope I don’t have to remind too many people that less than 70 years ago, Japan launched an unprovoked attack on the United States,” Gates said. “This isn’t the time for us to be letting down our guard.”

NPR Reporter Says Right Wing Has Sullied ACORN’s Image

National Public Radio’s Kevin Whitelaw blames “right wing ideologues” for destroying the reputation of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, more commonly known by its acronym—ACORN.

“By relentlessly focusing on ACORN’s election fraud, mismanagement, embezzlement and other criminal activities, right wing fanatics are overshadowing the significant accomplishments of this great organization,” Whitelaw contends. “They’ve gotten millions enrolled for welfare. They got millions to vote for Obama.”

Whitelaw characterized recent revelations that ACORN employees advised applicants on how to set up an illegal prostitution business as “misguided zealotry.” “It’s easy for those who earn an honest living to ridicule the lifestyles of the underclass,” he said. “But prostitution may be the only reasonable opportunity for upward mobility for high school drop-outs, substance abusers, and welfare recipients.”

“I think if we balance the pluses and minuses, ACORN clearly benefits the country,” Whitelaw added. “It is a key proponent of the kind of change the President has promised for America.”

Obama Nominee Sees Traditional Marriage as Threat to Planet

President Barack Obama’s nominee to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), Chai Feldblum, has rankled many by calling the promotion of traditional marriage “wrongheaded.”

“The idea that two-parent families are a positive force for good is mistaken,” Feldblum argued. “In fact, its touted key strength—that it is best for children—is its greatest weakness. The Earth is already overpopulated. Adding more children can only worsen this problem.”

Feldblum contrasted traditional heterosexual marriage with the gay lifestyle, calling it a comparison that does not bode favorably for so-called traditional values. “The great virtue of homosexual relationships is that they don’t produce more children,” Feldblum pointed out. “Sexual needs can be gratified without risking polluting the planet with more humans. So, going gay is a significant step toward going green.”

Key Democrat Expounds on Constitution’s “General Welfare” Clause

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) rebutted claims that a government mandate compelling everyone to buy health insurance would be unconstitutional.

“As I read the Constitution, the government has the right to enact any requirement it deems serves the general welfare of the nation,” Hoyer asserted. “If we feel that the nation’s general welfare would be served by requiring everyone to purchase health insurance, we will do so. If we feel that the general welfare would be served by forcing everyone to get a flu shot, then everyone will have to get a shot.”

Hoyer maintained that “the idea that individuals have rights that supercede the general welfare is flat out wrong. Letting people decide for themselves is the road to anarchy. Individual prerogatives are a privilege that must be closely monitored by the government. If any of these privileges clash with the general welfare they are null and void. Congress will take whatever steps to suppress them whenever it deems it necessary to do so.”

Next Round of Federal Spending Won’t Be Called a “Stimulus Package”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said while the Democratic Leadership is concocting a second dose of federal spending to stimulate the economy, it won’t be called a “stimulus package.”

“There’s been too much bad publicity for the first stimulus package,” Pelosi said. “People are mocking us because unemployment is now higher than what we said it would be if we didn’t pass the first stimulus package. People say we just made things worse. This is undermining faith in the government.”

Pelosi downplayed criticisms that the first stimulus package served mainly to bailout blundering financial institutions, instigate corruption, and promote waste. “The key thing was to get money injected into the economy,” Pelosi argued. “Money the government paid out to Wall Street bankers is, in turn, spent by them.”

The Speaker also defended abuses of the mortgage subsidy program—in which speculators are buying homes in the names of infant children in order to qualify for the “first-time buyer” payout. “Even if these people seem like crooks, the fact is that the federal money we give them is also, in turn, spent by them.”

By keeping a lower profile for the next round of stimulus spending, Pelosi expressed the hope that “the seeming inequities and misappropriations will be more dispersed and less visible. We will still be able to keep pumping money into the economy, but without as much attention being paid to the so-called negative aspects of it.”

Obama Administration Challenges Fox Status

Obama Administration advisor David Axelrod said his analysis of Fox News broadcasts confirms that “it is not really a news station and should not be treated as such. The President has requested that the Federal Communications Commission “review Fox’s broadcasts and determine whether its license should be revoked.”

Two key charges against Fox are pending. One is that “its on-air personnel are insufficiently diversified.” “We feel fairly certain that the racial and ethnic composition of the on-air staff does not reflect a proportionate balance with the composition of the nation’s population,” Axelrod said. “This is a violation of the Equal Employment Opportunity statutes.”

The second charge is that “Fox’s program content is excessively critical of the Administration.” “Objectivity is essential for news broadcasts,” Axelrod insisted. “When we have Fox deviating from what every other news outlet is saying, real questions about the accuracy of its reporting are raised. Is it really believable that everyone else but Fox is blind or dishonest?”

Axelrod maintained that “broadcasters are granted a license on the contingency that they will serve the public interest. They do not have the right to use the people’s airwaves to spew venomous lies about the president and his policies. If they cannot fall in line, their broadcast license should be taken away.”

President Declines Invitation to Anniversary of Fall of Communism

President Barack Obama declined to participate in a celebration of the 20^th anniversary of fall of Communism in Europe, saying he has “mixed feelings” about the event and “too little time to spare.”

“On the one hand, Communism did some brutal things,” Obama acknowledged. “On the other hand, they had some noble goals and made some important progress toward achieving them.”

Among the noble goals achieved according to the President were “the provision of universal health care, free college education, and the elimination of capitalistic greed. We can only hope to do as well in our country.”

The president cited his need “to work to transform America rather than spending my time gallivanting around the globe giving speeches. You may have noticed that things aren’t so great in our country. Capitalistic greed still runs rampant and has thrown many Americans out of work.”

“Besides, as my friend Ron Bloom says, ‘the free market is nonsense,’” Obama recalled. “So, I don’t think we should be gloating over Communism’s misfortunes.” (Note: Ron Bloom is Obama’s “Manufacturing Czar.”)

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Parents’ Concern over President’s Address to Schools Called ‘Silly’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Amidst widespread concern among parents that the President’s address to school children this coming week is an attempt at indoctrination, the President’s Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, derided them as “silly.”

“The President is all about the future,” Gibbs said. “It’s imperative that he reach young minds before they are calcified by the ideas of their parents. The speech and accompanying lesson plan are aimed at avoiding this calcification and energizing the momentum for change in the upcoming generation.”

Critics contend that their concern isn’t over the speech itself. President Bush addressed school children in 1991. It’s the “accompanying lesson plan” that has raised eyebrows. One of the exercises in the lesson plan asks students to make a list of things they can do to “serve President Obama.”

Gibbs defended the personalization in the lesson plan. “Kids can’t be expected to grasp an abstract concept like ‘serving the nation,’” Gibbs argued. “Asking them to serve the President puts the ideas into a framework they can understand. It’s like a parent asking a child to help with household chores. The child trusts the parent to have his best interests at heart and has faith that the parent will look out for him. Conveying the message that the President is the ‘father of the American family’ is an analogy that will help facilitate the needed compliance on the part of the students.”

The Press Secretary countered the observation that this sort of “personality cult” resembles that used by tyrants. “Why should we leave this powerful tool to the sole use of the world’s bad guys?” Gibbs asked. “Doesn’t it make sense to build a strong sense of loyalty toward the leader of the free world in our own children?”

In related news, ABC News journalist and former Democratic Party apparatchik, George Stephanopoulos urged President Obama “to use this address to intimidate his opponents. The President’s enemies must be made to understand that opposition will have consequences they won’t like.”

Obama “Czar” Advocates “Social Decision Framework” for Organ Donation

President Barack Obama’s nominee to head the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs (OIRA), Cass Sunstein, says that organs for transplant shortages could be averted by reforming the protocol that determines when organs may be harvested from donors.

Currently, persons wishing to donate organs must sign permission documents in advance. Many do not. The number of organs available for transplant would be larger if explicit permission were not required. “Just because a person is born with an organ doesn’t mean he is entitled to keep it if a greater need could be served by a different disposition of this asset,” Sunstein contended.

“Since scientific advances have enabled organs to be repositioned we should be more open minded about how we view ownership,” Sunstein urged. “I mean, humanity used to blindly accept that titles of nobility and all its privileges were owned by accident of birth. We’ve outgrown that quaint way of thinking. Maybe it’s time to ‘think-outside-the-box’ about organ ownership.”

Sunstein suggested that a “social decision framework” replace the “selfish hereditary” model. “All of society’s assets should be allocated where they are most needed for the good of the whole,” Sunstein maintained. “Reallocation of the organs of the deceased is a ‘no brainer.’ I can see no valid rationale for any impediment. Reallocation of the organs of the living, however, raises trickier issues.”

“People can live with only one kidney or one lung,” Sunstein observed. “Can we really justify anyone withholding a surplus kidney or lung when it is a matter of life and death to another?”

“Then there is the case of dire need by persons of great value to the community,” he added. “Should the life of a genius or crucial community leader be allowed to expire when replacement organs are available? Should a lesser person’s current possession of a needed organ be allowed to stand in the way? If we can ask that soldiers or police give their lives for the greater good, why can’t we ask every citizen to be ready to give theirs if they are a match and the need is urgent?”

China to Foreclose on White House

As owners of a major portion of the United States’ national debt, the government of China has exercised its option to foreclose on the White House. The foreclosure is scheduled for September 20^th. This shocking turn of events follows from the extraordinary explosion of debt since the start of this year.

“Look, title to the White House, per se, is largely symbolic,” said US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “We have received no indication that the President and his family will necessarily be evicted. But even if they are there are still many who will take them in. After all, the President can do a lot of favors for those who help him out.”

Geithner insisted that “there is a silver lining to this. China’s purchase of US Treasury bonds has enabled us to fund the stimulus package. Without this the President’s reelection would be far less certain.”

With the projected federal deficit expected to grow by $9 billion over the next decade, Geithner said “deeds to other landmarks may be thrown into the mix in order to keep Chinese cash flowing to us.”

Kennedy Memoir Apologizes for Chappaquiddick Incident

It is being reported that the late Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) apologized for his role in the Chappaquiddick “incident” in his memoir. In the book, Kennedy acknowledged that “in some small way not entirely clear to me even 40 years later, I may have contributed to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.”

The memoir defended the late Senator’s “deferral of admission of responsibility” as “a necessary sacrifice for the national interest. My political enemies would have gladly used it to divert me from my mission to succor the indigent, the improvident, and the irresponsible during my long career of public service.”

Kennedy contrasted the “inestimable harm that would have transpired if I had not been able to continue my work with the relatively minor loss of one young woman of questionable character. Mary Jo was a person willing to have a one-night stand with a married man. She took advantage of my inebriated condition to seduce me. I could’ve been killed, but with God’s help, I was able to swim free.”

CBS News’ Bob Schieffer concurred with the late Senator’s take, calling him “a classic American hero.” “No ordinary man would have been able to so quickly assess the situation and recognize the comparable values of the two lives involved,” Schieffer said. “Instead of risking drowning in a futile attempt to rescue Ms. Kopechne, Senator Kennedy put the good of the country first. For that we must be truly grateful.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) boasted that “we will milk Senator Kennedy’s timely demise for as many sympathy votes as we can for the KennedyCare health reform bill. Of course, it would’ve been better if he’d been shot like his brothers, but we’ll make the best we can of his death.”

Press Secretary Apologizes for “War on Terror” Slip

President Barack Obama’s press secretary, Robert Gibbs, apologized for using the phrase “war on terror” at a recent press briefing.

“I apologize for my insensitivity toward the religion of peace,” Gibbs said. “As we all know. It is the President’s position that there is no such war, there is no jihad. What I should have said is that our government will continue to strive to mitigate the effects of man-caused disasters.”

Grandson Sues to Clear Stalin’s Name

Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, grandson of the former doctor of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin, has filed a lawsuit demanding damages of $300,000 for what he termed “the slander of my late grandfather by Novaya Gazeta.”

The newspaper, as have most historians, attributed millions of murders to the regime headed by Stalin from the mid 1920s to his death in 1953. It is Dzhugashvili’s contention that every single one of these homicides “was in self-defense, not only of my grandfather’s own person, but of the entire nation.”

The absence of evidence for the claim of self defense “is due to my grandfather’s great sense of modesty and perspicacity,” Dzhugashvili argued. “The contention that he sent innocents to their deaths does not take into account my grandfather’s ability to spot plots for sabotage and assassination long before others could see a thing. He knew the future crimes that the enemies of socialism would commit. Saving the nation from those crimes was clearly an act of self defense.”

The $300,000 sought by Dzhugashvili in his lawsuit was characterized as “the minimum needed to compensate me for having to go by the family’s less well-known and ridiculous sounding name—“Dzhugashvili”—rather than the cooler and more macho “Stalin.”

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Senate Majority Leader Rejects Tort Reform’s Cost Savings as “Insignificant”

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) rejected the idea of incorporating tort reform into the health care legislation now under consideration. The issue arose when the Congressional Budget Office estimated that tort reform could reduce health care costs by $54 billion over the next decade.

“Look, $54 billion is a drop in the bucket for a program that will cost at least $2 trillion over the same period,” Reid observed. “The impact on the taxpayers will be inconsequential.”

Reid contrasted the “minuscule savings for taxpayers with the devastating impact that reducing tort costs would have on trial lawyers. The benefit for the average taxpayer would be less than $400. But the loss in income for the average trial lawyer would be in the hundreds of thousands, or more.”

The Senator contended that “the shock to those who have become accustomed to earning their livings through lawsuits would impose severe lifestyle changes on members of the legal profession. Requiring the few to suffer so much for the tiny gains of the many would, in my mind, be a gross inequity.”

White House Praises Congress for Vote on Gitmo Detainees

Congress’ vote to allow the illegal enemy combatants currently imprisoned at the Guantanamo Bay military base to be moved to the United States was applauded by the White House.

Calling the vote “an important reversal of the hysteria fomented by the Bush Administration,” a White House senior official speaking “off the record,” hailed it as “a crucial first step toward normalizing our relationship with these so-called jihadis.”

The “second step” entails a plan modeled on the foreign exchange student program. “American families will be asked to volunteer to house these former detainees and familiarize them with our culture,” the official said. “Later, they will be returned to their countries of origin as ambassadors for peace.”

“Of course, it is important that both sides participate in this exercise,” he continued. “While we haven’t yet reached an agreement with al-Qaeda, we are taking the names of young Americans who would be willing to spend a year living abroad in one of that organization’s many camps to both learn from them and to teach them the benefits of peaceful interactions with our country.”

The official pronounced himself “very excited with the President’s inspirational and innovative approach toward a new paradigm for easing global tensions.”

Two Potential “Blood Baths” Narrowly Averted by School Officials

Two separate incidents of potential school yard mayhem were narrowly averted by decisive action on the part of public school officials in New York and Delaware.

In Delaware’s Christina School District, 1^st grade student Zachary Christie was spotted eating lunch with an unauthorized Boy Scout mess kit tool—a combination knife/fork/spoon. Disaster was avoided when the vice-principal quickly disarmed and immobilized the child. The school’s “zero tolerance” policy calls for the offending 6-year old student to be sentenced to 45 days in reform school.

School officials rebuffed arguments that the child’s age and the circumstances should be taken into consideration. “This student was wielding a knife within inches of other students,” said George Evans, the school district board’s president. “Are we supposed to wait until blood is spurting from someone before we act? It is better to act too soon than too late. And I categorically reject the notion that the punishment is excessive. Making an example of this one misguided boy will serve as a warning to others.”

In New York’s Lansingburgh Central School District, 17-year-old Eagle Scout, Matthew Whalen was suspended for 20 days after it was discovered that he kept a knife in a car parked in the school lot. The 2-inch pocketknife was part of a survival kit Whalen kept in his car. Other items in the kit included a sleeping bag, water, and a ready-to-eat meal.

District Superintendent George Goodwin defended the school’s action. “The fact that Mr. Whalen never brandished the weapon is irrelevant,” Goodwin contended. “Keeping it hidden in his car with other ‘survivalist’ gear is a clear ‘red flag.’ The Columbine murderers transported their weapons in a car. Neither am I impressed that Mr. Whalen is a Boy Scout. Timothy McVeigh was a Boy Scout. These are precisely the paramilitary types we’ve been warned about by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano.”

Obama Administration Positions Itself to the Left of the UN on Honduran Crisis

Despite a United Nations’ report finding that Honduras acted within the parameters of its constitution in removing sitting President Manuel Zelaya, the Obama Administration remained firm in its demand that Zelaya be restored to power.

“While we certainly respect the UN’s right to a different point of view, we must insist on the reestablishment of the Zelaya Government,” said President Barack Obama. “His removal was founded on an adherence to formalistic procedures rather than a true expression of the people’s will.”

“It is our belief that the popular referendum President Zelaya sought is fully compatible with the core democratic principles our nation has stood for since its founding over 200 years ago,” Obama asserted. “Maintaining these core principles is more important than enforcement of an ancient scrap of paper.”

Zelaya was removed from office earlier this year when the Honduran Supreme Court, with the concurrence of the nation’s legislature, determined that his call for a referendum to extend his term of office was unconstitutional.

In related news, Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman John Kerry (D-Mass) vetoed a proposed fact finding trip to Honduras by several Republican senators on the grounds that “it can only generate a perception of disunity and disagreement over a policy matter that is the prerogative of the Executive Branch. It is harmful to America’s interests if members of the opposition Party are permitted to go abroad and criticize, or appear to criticize, the President’s policies.”

Obama Aide Defends Favorite Philosopher

Ridiculed by right-wing commentators for remarks indicating that Mao Tse-tung was her favorite philosopher, White House communications director Anita Dunn fired back at her critics, saying that “racial prejudice and ideological blinders shouldn’t keep us from acknowledging greatness wherever we find it.”

“Mao rescued his country from centuries of feudalism,” Dunn claimed. “The person that could accomplish such a feat is worthy of both admiration and emulation.”

Dunn said Mao’s detractors “make too much of the so-called brutality of his methods. The masses of China were largely illiterate—like most of the world’s people. There was no time for squeamish notions of democracy or human rights. Landlords and counterrevolutionaries had to be contended with in a rough and ready way.”

“He was also cute in a roly-poly kind of way,” Dunn added. “And I understand his sexual prowess was legendary.”

Historians estimate that Mao’s regime murdered 35 million to 65 million inhabitants of China. He is also rumored to have “seduced” over 1,000 women.

President Obama belittled Dunn’s critics pointing out that “many of FDR’s appointees were Communist sympathizers too. Yet, his was one of the most successful Administrations in US history. So, I definitely think there is a lot to be said for keeping an open mind on this topic.”

U.S. State Department on a Roll

A week of hard negotiations between the United States and Russia netted what Secretary of State Hillary Clinton classified as “significant breakthroughs in our two countries’ relationship.”

Among the breakthroughs cited by Secretary Clinton—Russia will be allowed to inspect US nuclear weapons sites, Russia retains the right to preemptive, first-strike use of nuclear weapons, and Russia will not assist the United States in seeking sanctions against Iran’s acquisition of nuclear warheads.

“By acceding to their demands we are showing them that we do not pose a threat to their interests,” Clinton explained. “A gesture of submission on our part eases tension in Moscow and brings our two nations closer.” “Should there be a preemptive strike, of course, we may have to renegotiate some of the terms,” she admitted.

“Let me point out that we have reached more agreements in the past week than any previous Administration ever has,” Clinton boasted. “Our two countries are on the best terms since the Yalta Conference of 1945.”

 

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Nobel Committee Explains Peace Prize Award

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

To the surprise of nearly everyone, the Norwegian Nobel Committee has awarded its 2009 Peace Prize to US President Barack Obama. Committee Chairman Thorbjørn Jagland said that “a number of key factors went into our decision.”

“First, President Obama is more for peace than any other person on the planet,” Jagland asserted. “Such earnest enthusiasm for an ideal merits special recognition.” Jagland observed that a similar standard led the Committee to award the Peace Prize to former US Vice-President Al Gore in 2007. “If we are giving Mr. Gore the Prize for his earnest enthusiasm on behalf of global warming, failure to do something similar for Mr. Obama might be construed as latent racism,” Jagland argued.

“Second, we felt that the award could serve as a sort of consolation prize for the snubbing of Mr. Obama by the International Olympic Committee when they rejected his entreaties to grant the 2016 Olympic games to Chicago,” Jagland continued. “While we recognize that the financial gain Mr. Obama could have reaped from the Olympic award to his hometown dwarf those of our Prize, we felt it might ease his pain.”

“Finally, the barrage of criticism from the right-wing media in America—most notably the recent lampooning of Mr. Obama by the Saturday Night Live television program—is undermining his progressive agenda,” Jagland concluded. “It is our hope that our award will offset, if not silence, this criticism.”

Presidential advisor David Axelrod characterized the award as “game changing.” “Enemies of the President have made a big show of popular opposition with these so-called ‘tea parties,’” Axelrod said. “Now that the President’s genius has been internationally proclaimed it will be harder for them to gain traction.”

In related news, 2007 Peace Prize recipient Al Gore congratulated President Obama, but reminded everyone that “I also received an Oscar. So, I’m still ahead as far as the awarding of major awards go.”

White House Seeks Peace Deal with Taliban

In an effort to extract U.S. armed forces from Afghanistan, the Obama Administration has sent out peace feelers to the Taliban contingent upon their disentanglement of themselves from al-Qaeda.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sought to clarify the difference between Taliban and al-Qaeda. “Al-Qaeda has carried out terrorist strikes around the world,” Gibbs pointed out. “The Taliban have confined their murders and oppression to those within the borders of Afghanistan. The President is confident he can live with that.”

Taliban leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar is said to have welcomed “the offer of surrender from the ‘Great Satan,’” expressed his willingness “to accommodate a brief truce to allow infidel armies to withdraw from our land,” and vowed a “righteous retribution against all who collaborated with the occupiers.”

Kennedy Book Chapter Boasts of Sexual Conquests

In a draft chapter that failed to make the final editor’s cut, the late Senator Ted Kennedy boasted that he had slept with more than 1,000 women during his life. The Senator also recounted that he was quite pleased that it only cost him a total of $10 million in hush money.

“In a way, the drowning of Mary Jo helped keep down the costs,” Kennedy wrote. “My ability to skate on that convinced many of my subsequent conquests to be reasonable in their demands lest a similar fate befall them.”

The chapter also expressed some regret over the Kopechne incident. “Sad to say, I can’t count Mary Jo in my list of conquests since she died before I could consummate our union,” he wrote. “So, in a very real way, I, too, was a big loser on that tragic evening.”

Ousted Honduran President Sees Widespread Conspiracy

Former Honduran president Manuel Zelaya complained that a “broad coalition of conspirators collaborated in ousting me from my post.” The conspirators are alleged to include US right-wing politicians, the international Zionist cabal, and extraterrestrials.

“The hand of these nefarious agents can be seen in the manner of both my removal from office and in the continuing humiliation I am forced to endure,” Zelaya argued. “Rather than just having me shot by a military junta as is the time-honored custom in our part of the world, the conspiracy invoked constitutional procedures jointly endorsed by the court and legislature. Now I must endure the jeers of my countrymen instead of enjoying a heroic martyrdom.”

In addition to the jeers of his countrymen, Zelaya is said to be suffering from brain-melting Israeli death rays relayed via an alien spacecraft orbiting the Earth. “My only hope is that the great, wise and merciful Obama will rescue me from my misery,” Zelaya wailed.

The scope of the hoped for succor remains to be seen. President Obama has ordered the Honduran government to reinstate Zelaya as president. Thus far, the post-Zelaya government refuses to recognize President Obama’s authority in the matter. Whether the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to Obama will be sufficient to generate the desired obedience to his will is unknown.

House Speaker Touts Value Added Tax

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says it’s time we “got in step with the civilized nations and adopted our own value added tax.” A value added tax assesses each producer of output for the increment of additional value he/she contributes to the making of goods or services. This type of tax is common in Europe.

“This nation is desperately in need of more revenue to support government programs,” Pelosi asserted. “We need to tap new sources. A huge untapped source is the activity of creating value in the products sold.”

The Speaker maintained that “simple equity and environmental justice argue for such a tax. People who can add value to anything are obviously able to create wealth. It’s only fair to those who are unable to do the same be supported by those who are. There’s also the issue of environmental impact to consider. Those adding value are exploiting our natural resources. It’s only right that they pay an added fee for the privilege.”

Pelosi characterized a value added tax as “the third leg of a well-balance stool of public finance. We’ve got the progressive income tax to penalize those who earn too much. We’ve got the capital gains tax to penalize those who invest too much. It’s only fitting that we take a piece out of those who are creating value.”

NAACP Pushes Drive to Get Out Prison Vote

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) is working assiduously to get prisoners registered to vote in the state of Maine. Maine is one of only two states in which it is legal for prison inmates to vote. Vermont is the other.

Rachel Talbot Ross, president of the Portland chapter of the NAACP said “it is time to bring prisoner voting into the mainstream. A growing proportion of our population is comprised of criminals who are behind bars. Denying this segment of society the right to participate in self-government is a taint on our democracy.”

Ross pointed out that “not all criminals are in jail. Those able to avoid going to prison are allowed to vote. Why should those who are paying their debt to society be singled out for discriminatory treatment? And do I need to mention the fact that some of the most corrupt and dishonest among us are the ones making our laws? I mean, not only is tax-cheat Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) not behind bars, he’s chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. So, when you think about it, we’re not asking for much.”

In related news, House Democrats beat back an attempt by Republicans calling for Rangel to step down from his post as chairman of the Ways and Means Committee. “Who better to ferret out hidden sources of wealth that can be taxed than a man who has hidden some of his own,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), explaining why the Democratic Party rejected replacing Rangel as chairman of the committee.

Senator Says Comparison Unfair

Illinois Senator Dick Durbin (D) said those criticizing the healthcare bill because of its length (over 1,000 pages) compared to the Ten Commandments of the Bible aren’t being fair.

“Look, first off, God was dealing with simpler issues in simpler times,” Durbin complained. “We live in more complex times. It’s to be expected that we’d need more words to deal with these more complex issues.”

“Besides, has the brevity of the Ten Commandments really done the job?” Durbin asked. “It seems that many didn’t get the message. If God had been a little more verbose maybe the world wouldn’t be such a mess.”

Durbin contended that “lengthy provisions specifying penalties for infractions and providing for government oversight make the healthcare bill a vastly superior document. In my view, accuracy and thoroughness are more important than pithy sloganeering.”

 

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Additional Reading For Your Interest:

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Signs of the Times

Health care reform “will raise taxes on American families by $400 billion,” according to Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell: 

78 percent of all jobs lost during this recession were held by men

The presence of homosexual characters on broadcast TV has sharply increased. 

The British National Health Service comprises 20 percent of all government spending.

Former UN ambassador John Bolton says a “military strike on Iran” is now “very likely.”

Glenn Beck says the decision by Arizona State University to withhold an honorary degree from rookie president Obama now stands in stark contrast to the Nobel Peace Prize committee’s decision.

The recession is hurting Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and the Vegas gambling scene.

This Sunday in Washington, thousands of homosexuals will hold a big rally in favor of special rights. On the same day in Phoenix, thousands will walk or run a 5-kilometer course to raise money for Planned Parenthood and its best friend, the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Fred Barnes of the Weekly Standard estimates that Republicans will win 15 to 25 House seats in the 2010 election – not enough to regain control, but putting them well on their way.

Illegitimate births in the U.S. are 40 times higher than in South Korea.

Since Obama became prez, the U.S. is surrendering control of the Internet, and the dollar is on the verge of being replaced as the worldwide currency standard for the first time in 60 years.